Having Children to fill a void: WRONG!

On Mother’s Day, a 30-year old friend of mine called me from New York City, where she was lamenting the site of mothers with their children in Central Park. She was sad because she hadn’t had a child yet and felt like she hadn’t accomplished anything in her life and wasn’t fulfilled. I, on the other hand, was rejoicing that I was not celebrating the holiday that day and thanked The Almighty that I did not have children. I was very happy with my life and felt quite fulfilled. Maybe referring to my books as my babies has something to do with it:)

My desire to be free of motherhood aside, I seriously thought about her feeling of “being unfulfilled” without a screaming baby at her side. A few weeks later, a 40 year old female friend told me about her dating frenzy to find a husband so that she could have kids soon and fill her void.

Since when have changing diapers and filling bottles been fulfilling?

Having children with someone one is in love with and wants to create a life with is one thing and understandable. But procreating just to fill a whole in one’s life is a sure way to disappointment. When we seek another to fulfill us, we give our power over to them. What if the kid is born with a disability and becomes one’s ward for the rest of his/her life? What if the kid doesn’t do with his or her life what you would like them to do? Children will at some point frustrate or anger their parents. Is this what desperate single childless people call fulfillment? I don’t get it.

I feel sorry for desperate women who go on dating marathons or Match.com filter sessions fueled by the noisy and scary echos of their biological clocks and/or intrusive family members telling them they better create progeny or live the miserable lives of spinsters.

I ask that the next time someone gets desperate to have a kid that he/she truly examines the motives behind their mad dash for the baby clothes section. (I see this more common in women than in men.) Do they sincerely want to be a parent and give up some of their freedom to create a new life and nurture this new being or are they chasing what they think is a societal norm they must exemplify?

Later on, the 40 year old told me that she had a hard look at what made her chase after available men her age, and she realized that she was driven by “the idea that she would be fulfilled as a mother” and not her true desire to be a parent. She actually liked being single! I am glad that she thought about what she really wanted and was true to herself.

If more people thought before they had kids, the world would be better off. We are already over populated as it is. Planned and genuinely wanted pregnancies are what we need, not “I need to be fulfilled” baby creation.

Fulfillment is a feeling we generate in ourselves. We decide when we are satisfied and complete, it’s not another being who does it for us.